Writer's block already.
Ya know, I have tons of things I want to write about....my brain is flooded, so maybe writer's block isn't the right word, maybe it's more like writer's clog...
Maybe it's due to this perimenopause thing I seem to be going through.
Let's examine the symptoms...
1. Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling (see note)
I spent the majority of my life cold, so the hot flash thing is new. I spend quite a bit of time asking everyone around me if it's hot, or is it just me...they all humor me and say well, it is KIND of warm....I'd rather just know I'm flashing instead of being in a perpetual state of wondering....
2. Irregular heart beat
I think so.
Oh...well, just ask the Man, the Children and the Dog.
4. Mood swings, sudden tears
I think it is safe to say that I swing so hard and so fast that the only answer I can safely give to any question is Maybe.
5. Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
Yes, I've taken to drinking wine and taking Advil PM...I know my liver may shut down instantaneously, but at this point I don't really give a shit.
6. ; shorter, ; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
I'll spare you the details but yes, although I really have no idea what a phantom period is, but I'm sure I've been having them. I'm not even kidding.
7. Loss of libido (see note)
8. Dry vagina (see note)
SERIOUSLY NO COMMENT
9. Crashing fatigue
Is there any other kind?
10. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
I'm pretty sure I'd be eating Xanax like candy if I had insurance and could afford to go to the doctor.
11. Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom (see note)
Hence the craving for alcohol and pills....
12. Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
I suspect this is a huge problem but I'm not really sure...wait, what?
13. Disturbing memory lapses
I can't remember where I parked the car, or why the hell I went to the store for that matter....I actually was going to cite a specific instance here of recent memory lapse, but, you guessed it, I forgot what it was.
14. Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence (see note)
If I tell you I'll have to kill you.
15. Itchy, crawly skin (see note)
As a matter of fact, YES, and this one surprised me that it appeared on this list, I merely thought I was hallucinating or experiencing some side effects to my self-medication.
16. Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons (see note)
17. Increased tension in muscles
Hence the aching, sore joints,muscles and tendons I'm sure.
18. Breast tenderness
I'm about to resort to duct tape. A bra is too painful, no bra is worse and if the Man even looks at them....well....yeah. buh-bye.
19. Headache change: increase or decrease
I experience a steady increase and decrease in headaches.
20. Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
Wait, is this new?
21. Sudden bouts of bloat
Ummmm...... sure. ?
22. Depression (see note)
Well just look at all of the above symptoms, wouldn't YOU be depressed?
23. Exacerbation of existing conditions
24. Increase in allergies
Yes! How did you know?
25. Weight gain (see note)
26. Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
Fortunately my hair is not moving from my head or pelvis onto my face...yet.
27. Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
Indeed. I've always been rather graceful but this past year, let's just say I can no longer claim that I've never eaten shit in public.
28. Changes in body odor
Nobody is daring enough to confirm or deny this to my face.
29. Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head (see note)
YES...again, I just thought I was going crazy or that it was some weird side effect from the wine/Advil pm combo....
30. Tingling in the extremities (see note)
Yes, but I thought I was playing too much Frontierville on Facebook.
31. Gum problems, increased bleeding
not thus far.
32. Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
K, I know this doesn't even sound real, but I didn't make up this list and I HAVE been experiencing this....
33. Osteoporosis (after several years)
Well, this remains to be seen. If I get any shorter I won't be able to ride the amusement park rides and that will seriously piss me off!
34. Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
Not sure, I've had falsies for so long there may not be any actual fingernails left underneath them.
35. note) : , bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc. (see
Either that or I'm going deaf.....So, there you have it. Doesn't this sound pleasant? Aren't you jealous?
This is what is wrong with me. In case you were wondering. Be warned, however, just because you may know what is going on, you are NOT excused to dismiss any and/or all of my moods/feelings/aches/pains or complaints as not being real or important...
Oh, and I forgot to tell you the good news...this could last for 8 to 10 YEARS!!! Woot Woot!
So, Cheers! My advice is buy stock in Wine and Advil...I should keep them in steady business for another decade or so...